Dead-Beat Dad, Evil and Vindictive, Disneyland Dad, Needy, Idiot, Selfish. I know right? My ex-wife has called me all of these and some are probably true, but what I really am is Estranged.
I had to title this post as “Evil and Vindictive” because that one is far away my favorite; the others don’t come close. The mental image those words must bring to the mind’s eye probably looks similar to this…
This is not me!
To set you at ease, this is what I really look like…
This IS me!
Hardly evil I’d say. So, what motivated me to write this? My youngest daughter recently graduated from graduate school, and we (we is me and my daughter’s stepmom) agreed to let her stay with as she transitions through an internship to a full-time position and subsequently moves into her own place, with her boyfriend. My daughter is now 25. She moved from Santa Barbara, CA to our house in Phoenix, AZ telling us she would be staying up 10 weeks. OK.
And then…
The arrangement lasted only 4 weeks. We couldn’t even make it half way! Apparently, living under someone’s roof with a very small, but what I thought were a very specific set of rules did not suit her lifestyle. Granted, she has lived on her own, away from either of her parents for the past 7 years, and so she evidently was not accustomed to the confinements of boundaries. Who knows? As I came to realize, I certainly did not!
To provide a little back-story, my daughter’s mother and I are divorced, and we have been for over 18 years. I live in the Southwest with my wife and my ex-wife lives in the Midwest with her husband. All good so far. My daughter lived with her mother until she was 18 and then went off to college. She has lived on her own ever since. She has two older sisters and a younger brother.
Estranged
estranged
es·tranged | \ i-ˈstrānjd \
Definition of estranged
: having lost former closeness and affection: in a state of alienation from a previous close or familial relationship
From Merriam-Webster.com
Ok, good so far? Now, back to the label I used for myself from the opening paragraph. I am estranged certainly from my ex-wife. She didn’t want to share her life with me anymore and I am at peace with that. The trickier part is the estrangement from my kids. My ex and I were married 18 years and we had children for 15 years of the marriage. The children were a huge part of my life as I came to be the primary caretaker for all four. Post-divorce was a real struggle for me, both emotionally and financially. I fought to survive, and in finding my way I put distance between myself and my kids.
As a consequence, an estrangement was created between myself and all of my kids. So, my daughter and I have not ever cultivated a real relationship. We really didn’t know each other when she came to stay with us. All I knew was the household she came from as a child, and equally, I knew the way her mother lives. I was a little reluctant to allow my daughter to stay with us as I was fearful she would bring me back emotionally to my ex-wife and all the nonsense prior to our divorce.
My daughter confided to my wife that she started to feel as though I did not want her in our home and ironically, I was committed to making my daughter feel welcome and at home. Unfortunately, my fears were realized. Having my daughter in our house served to bring back all the pain from the divorce. Her mother was an alcoholic. I had asked her mother to stop drinking because alcoholism runs through my ex-wife’s family, and I did not want our children to model that behavior. Well, her mother pushed me out of her life. I was told in therapy that one should never, ever get between an alcoholic and their drinking; they will push you out in a hot second. So, when my daughter came to stay, she stoked all that buried angst. I was shocked by my reaction. I had no idea I still carried so much animosity! That’s on me and I own it, but wow, so much still so close to the surface! She immediately connected me back to all the turmoil prior to our divorce. I left the Midwest to separate myself from all that mess and now it was back in our home.
In researching this piece, I found a fantastic article called, “What is Family Estrangement?”. It is linked here. I encourage you to take some time to read it. I found the article brought greater understanding to my situation.
So, one morning my daughter and I quarreled over the rules of the house. I had asked her to take better care of the room she was staying in, and she got snarky with me. I thought this was not the right tact particularly in someone else’s home. Yes, I am her father, but I also share the house with my wife who is not her mother. Escalating the battle, my daughter made a couple of inappropriate comments to me, and I advised her that she has the whole universe where she can go live. She told me she could be out by the end of the day, and I said I think that is a very good idea. She is now staying with her cousin. I sent her a text to ask if she was doing ok. I haven’t heard back.
My daughter wanted to work on building a relationship with me and I discovered I was not ready for that. I was still carrying old wounds. I do not seek to repair choices made in the past; those choices are done. After the divorce the kids chose sides. My kids chose their mother and I have come to accept that. Those are my feelings, and my feelings are valid; not open to critique. I now share a new life with a wonderful woman and there are times I am relieved to have cut contact and other days I feel a loss. That’s simply how life is now. As I commented above, I have made my peace with how things have turned out. Estranged.
This was a train wreck coming down the tracks from the get-go, we just didn’t know it. I think we both had very different expectations and in hindsight I should have established a broad, extremely comprehensive sets of rules and boundaries before my daughter even arrived. My daughter was seven years old when her mother and I divorced and never have we talked about it. I should have shared with my daughter how I felt about the divorce and why I made the choices I made.
At the end of the day, it was all about communication and I really whiffed. The reality is through the years we only talked through text messages on the usual days, birthdays, Father’s Day, holidays, and never to any depth. If you find yourself in the same situation, please do not be afraid to set boundaries for your adult child. Any lingering guilt or sense of remorse you may be carrying needs to be suppressed. This is not a “Disneyland Dad” moment. Be very candid and very firm. It’s your home and yes, this is your daughter, but DO NOT pretend this is a Leave It to Beaver family dynamic. Accept it for what it is and move forward from that point.
Having an adult child moving back “home” is rough even in a situation where the child does not come from a broken home. Please learn from my experience here. Don’t be afraid to express how you feel, only good can come of it.
Be well.
